Tanya Younce, M.Ed., LPCC


5 Ways To Reconnect With Your Man This Month

So Valentine’s Day is upon us this month — a day when most people do the traditional dance of making dinner reservations at a nice restaurant, drinking some wine, having a fancy chocolate dessert, opening cards and gifts, then heading home to go to bed and make love.

But what if you’ve been feeling disconnected from your boyfriend or husband? Sadly, many women do.

Getting reconnected in your relationship means trying to tune into each others’ unmet needs, then find a meaningful way to actually fulfill those needs. If you can have a conversation with your boyfriend/husband ahead of time, then it will make things easier.  But women are pretty intuitive.  Most of them know the underlying desires that their men have — they just aren’t currently attending to them, for whatever reason.

But trust this — one of you has to be the first one to reach out with an effort.  If the effort lands correctly, you’ll see a boomerang effect.  It may not happen right away, but keep at it.  Here are some ideas to start implementing to show your man that you’re making an effort to be attentive to his core needs.


dreamstime_m_6265617This is a big one for men, and one way to show how much respect you have for him is to show up with coffee at his place of work, let him give you a tour, learn more about what he does each day, meet some of his colleagues, and either bring lunch or treat him to a nearby lunch spot to connect further.  Show how impressed you are with what he does.  Take interest and ask questions.  What he needs from you is for you to see him as important, smart, and capable.  Since caveman days, men have always valued being good providers for their families, so do what you can to augment the recognition of and appreciation for his hard work.


Along with respect, men and women alike need boosts to their self-confidence.  There are many ways to help remind of how attractive, caring, courageous, accomplished, strong, funny, sexy, and how great of a father he is.  You can write affirmations like:2

“Your eyes (smile, broad shoulders, laugh, etc) make me melt”
“You did such a great job with fixing _________”
“I saw how enormous your heart is when I witnessed you _________”
“I can always rely on your strength to keep me safe”

Either put them on small pieces of paper and fill up a jar with them, or write each one on a page in a small, spiral-bound notebook that he can carry with him.

Physical Touch/Affection

dreamstime_m_29516705I know that women are much less likely to want to have sex with their guys when they don’t feel emotionally connected, but there are many other ways to touch and be affectionate, like offering your man a foot or shoulder massage with scented oil.  Or a place that really gets tense for men is his head — so running your fingers all over his head, as if you’re washing his hair, is a huge relaxation point.  Have him relax so that you do the work.  That way, YOU are in charge of where it starts and where it ends.  Remember, your goal here is to reconnect, so take a risk by giving him your sincere affection.

New Perspective

One great way for both of you to get a different perspective on your new relationship together is to rearrange and/or redecorate your bedroom.  4Collaborate on a new floor plan, your favorite colors, new artwork for the walls, area rugs, new bedding.  Putting your minds and muscles together, and investing in things that bring you pleasure can be the united effort you need to break some ice. Get rid of any office furniture, clutter, and things that no longer serve you.  Let this room be a symbol of a new and redesigned relationship that you’ve co-created.


5I saw this idea on Pinterest and thought it was a cool idea.  This involves writing a series of short letters with various themes, placed into envelopes and titled “Open When….”  Give your guy a stack of letters he can open when he needs things like:

* a boost in self-esteem
* hope/encouragement that things will get better
* reason why you married him
* a sense of belonging
* happy memories from the past
* a good laugh
* visions of your future life together
* reminders of the good things he’s done for you
* reminders of what’s going WELL in your relationship

Some of these may take the entire month to accomplish.  Some only a day or two.  But putting forth the effort to feed and nurture your husband and marriage is the best thing you can do to honor the true meaning of Valentine’s Day.  Practicing and sharpening your skills to tune into what’s needed to reconnect your broken marriage will serve you more than you think.  Put yourself out there and LOVE GENEROUSLY.

It certainly can’t hurt. 🙂 Happy Valentine’s Day!

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